1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married....The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. Patient: "Doc, I simply can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'"
Doctor: "That sounds like it might be 'Tom Jones' syndrome!"
Patient: "Is it common?"
Doctor: "Well, 'It's Not Unusual!"
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman... The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage pants at Wal-Mart the other day but damn! I just couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "Of course you can't! I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18.. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his f eet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... A super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his/her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Billy Graham is picked up at the airport by a nubie chauffer. After driving a bit, Billy says to the young man, "Son, my life here on earth is near its end, and I've always wanted to drive a limo. Would you extend that courtesy to me?"
The young man reluctantly agrees, so the evangelist gets behind the wheel and takes off. Because of his age, he has some difficulty controlling the large vehicle. Excessive speed and reckless driving causes him to be pulled over by a state police officer.
As the officer approaches the driver's window, he realizes who he's pulled over. So he, a young cop, calls his supervisor to be advised:
officer: Sir, I've inadvertantly pulled over a VIP
supervisor: Who is it son, the governor?
officer: No sir.
supervisor: Tell me you didn't stop the president!
officer: Not quite sir.
supervisor: Just tell me then who it is!
officer: It's Jesus sir, and Billy Graham is driving!