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Old 09-13-2009, 02:44 PM   #1
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Question Parenting help needed....kinda.

My wife wants to have kids. We're getting too old to wait much longer, we have to start now or never. I always assumed I would want kids.

I wish I would want kids. I don't want kids.

I try. I try to listen to sappy songs about being a dad, I try to observe kids being cute (and ignore non-cute kids), I try to think about how I can mold someone to be the man I cannot be. I try to imagine that I will be so impressed by the miracle of life as I make someone new exist. I even try thinking about being able to have fun doing things that my wife won't do with me, having an excuse to go out and do fun stuff without her, having a helper when I'm working on my truck or the yard or whatever.

I try all these things, but I can't seem to get anywhere. Nothing makes me want to be a father. Help!
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Old 09-13-2009, 03:21 PM   #2
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People think they can change other people. Fail.

You can barely change yourself. Unless you really really want to. In order for that to happen you must replace some of your current values with different ones. That means admitting your current values are flawed, no longer relevant, based on bad info, etc. Not likely.

I doubt that the appearance of a new arrival will cause the room to light up, the angels to sing, and bam just like flipping a switch Oh Boy you now love fatherhood.

It just don't work that way.

I know.

You do have a conundrum there with the wife all bent on fertilizing them eggs. They live for that ****. They're wired that way.

I'd tell her to get a hobby or a cat or something. She won't take to that gracefully.
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Old 09-13-2009, 03:45 PM   #3
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I really don't want kids at this moment (too busy) but eventually I think I will.

I think of kids as a legacy- a place where I can instill all of the positive attributes that were handed down to me and my wife by our parents- so that they can carry on after I am gone and hopefully play a positive role in the world around them.

There is no guarantee that your kids will live close or even want to visit you when you are older, but it seems like they could be a source of holiday companionship and compassion during the last few years of my life- especially if my wife was to pass on first.
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Old 09-13-2009, 04:03 PM   #4
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I always envisioned myself as wanting kids by the time I'm this old. I was sure I would. I promised I would and I knew she would. There's logical reasons like the legacy thing, and the old age thing, and plenty of others; those aren't enough for me.

She doesn't think she can change me and I don't think I can change her. I'm just trying to change myself.
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Old 09-13-2009, 04:21 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Erik View Post
I really don't want kids at this moment (too busy) but eventually I think I will.

I think of kids as a legacy- a place where I can instill all of the positive attributes that were handed down to me and my wife by our parents- so that they can carry on after I am gone and hopefully play a positive role in the world around them.

There is no guarantee that your kids will live close or even want to visit you when you are older, but it seems like they could be a source of holiday companionship and compassion during the last few years of my life- especially if my wife was to pass on first.
If the only kids were planned, there would hardly be any.

Legacy- who comes up with that sap? The current bunch of ignorant rude obnoxious punks don't give much hope for that scenario.

Go visit a nursing home sometime and see how much kids care.

P.S. set aside about 1/4 million dollars for yer bundle of joy too.
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Old 09-13-2009, 04:30 PM   #6
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Just some thoughts...

Realistically, I don't think you can fundamentally change your desire not to have children. The nuclear family has made raising children much more difficult than it should be and a study was released not that long ago showing that, on average and within our systems, the childless are happier.

If you are considering having kids to help fulfill your wife's desires you have to be sure whether or not any resentment will surface later (towards either her or them).

If you're not aware of it already, keep in mind that the rate of defects and complications for both mother and child go up drastically with age. Do some searching for better info than I could give you.
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Main Entry: co de pen dence - see codependency
co de pen den cy
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: a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as an addiction to alcohol or heroin) ; broadly : dependence on the needs of or control by another
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Old 09-13-2009, 04:37 PM   #7
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Being a father isn't something you can really prepare for. Watching other families doesn't do it. Borrowing kids doesn't do it. Thinking about it doesn't do it. You can't talk yourself into being ready for it.

Once you're into it, it's an up and down roller coaster for eighteen or twenty years. You alternate between great joy and pride, with disappointment, anger, and sadness spoiling the good times.

I think you can look at yourself and do a quick quiz to see if you're up to the task.

Do you give up on projects, or are you one of those guys who has a passion for tearing apart engines and rebuilding them better than ever?

When confronted with a massive task, do you give up, or dig in, never say die, and take pride on completing the project?

When confronted with marital problems, do you run to the sports bar, or do you love your wife enough to sacrifice your world to make her happy?

If your answer is the second choice to each question, you can do it. If not, you don't have what it takes.
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Old 09-13-2009, 04:44 PM   #8
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Projects and massive tasks get finished if they're important. If there's no major consequence they never get done.

Marital problems...I've definitely got what it takes. We had it incredibly rough and we stuck it out. We grew as a result and have a very strong marriage, though I'm not dependent on it (I used to be, that was a contributing factor to our problems).

I think I'll rise to the task well enough. I'm confident that I would be a good father if I became a father. I'm just looking for the motivation I always assumed I'd have by now.
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Old 09-13-2009, 04:54 PM   #9
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Dammit, it's not like there's a people shortage. Nobody has DUTY to replicate.
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Old 09-13-2009, 04:59 PM   #10
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I also wonder how much one's childhood factors in. I wonder if ppl with happy childhoods and good relationships with their parents/siblings are more likely to want to have kids than those who don't. I can see if a person had a miserable childhood then they wouldn't want to possibly do that to their own child.
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