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Old 02-24-2010, 11:35 PM   #1
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Pun Time!

Caution PUNS! Oh Pun the door......
THE ABILITY TO MAKE AND UNDERSTAND PUNS IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT.
Here are the ten first place winners in the International Pun Contest:


1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan. " Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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Old 02-25-2010, 05:47 AM   #2
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Sandwich walks into a bar and orders. Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
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Old 02-25-2010, 07:36 AM   #3
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Ah, this made my day, and I've had a rough week, thanks!
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controversy is an idea thought up by weak people who are too afraid to hear the truth.
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Old 02-25-2010, 08:12 AM   #4
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New puns. I think the old groaners were better.
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Old 02-25-2010, 08:32 AM   #5
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Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms.
"How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo.
"That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head.
BONG!
"That's amazing!" said Quasimodo. "Could you show me that again?"
"Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower. A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked, "Does anyone know who he is?"
Quasimodo came out and said...

"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"


The day after the guy with no arms fell to his death, another fellow shows up and said that he was the brother of the man with no arms and he wanted to audition for the bell ringers job. Quasimodo takes him to the bell tower, the guy picks up the wooden mallet and starts to ring the bells. He took a huge swing, missed the bell and fell over the balcony to his death. Quasimodo runs outside and the policeman asks him who the fellow was. Quasimodo says, "I never got his name but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
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Old 02-25-2010, 09:57 AM   #6
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Sandwich walks into a bar and orders. Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders. Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here." Mushroom says "why not, I'm a fungi" (fun-guy) (guess it works better when spoken)
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Old 02-27-2010, 08:07 PM   #7
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that pun is done
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Old 02-27-2010, 08:35 PM   #8
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Time flies when you're having pun...
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Old 02-28-2010, 01:54 PM   #9
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Concerned with the state of the environment God has again contacted Noah to construct another ark.

Noah says this is no problem as he still has the plans from the previous one somewhere.

God replies this ark will be very different and since the world has changed greatly it must be much larger.

Noah listens to instructions from God and makes notes.

God says: The ark must be much larger than before. Yea it must have multiple levels.

Noah asks: For all the animals, right Lord?

God says: Noah. We will be having only one type of animal of the dominions this time. That which was not taken in the last ark. This ark will house only fish.

Noah says: Fish ! You mean like majestic whales and playful dolphins?

God says: No. Only one type of fish Noah will be housed in thine ark.
The species known as Carp.

Noah is puzzled: Lord of all the fish in the vast waters you want to save Carp?
Carp are terrible fish. They are ugly , they damage the waterways and they don’t even taste nice to eat.
Lord I have never doubted you before but I cannot see why you want me to build a huge ark with many levels to save Carp.

God replies : Noah , we need a multi story Car Park !

Pete.
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Old 02-28-2010, 08:09 PM   #10
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A grasshopper walks into a bar, the bar tender looks at him and says, "Hey we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says to the bar tender, "You have a drink named Steve?"

2 horses come off the track, one horse says to the other, "You really need to lean more coming out of the turn." A dog says, "Yeah and your gates all wrong." The horse says, "Hey look, a talking dog."
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