Fuelly Forums - Little Jimmy

I found this on a Volvo message board - but it's certainly not Volvo specific
https://www.brickboard.com/RWD/index.htm?id=1244602

Little Jimmy has a candid conversation with Mr. Car Company and it goes something like this...

LJ: I want to buy a high quality car that's safe, simple, reliable, economical, fun to drive and pretty to look at.

Mr.CC: Well, son, that's a pretty tall order, that combination of things just won't work in a new car.

LJ: Can't you leave off some stuff that I don't need, like the power steering and power seats and the cup holders?

Mr.CC: Well, I'm going to be a little politically incorrect here; it's because people have gotten kinda... big, these days. We had to put in those teeny tiny little steering wheels so people's stomachs wouldn't get squished, and we had to put in the power steering because people weren't strong enough to steer the car with the little teeny tiny steering wheel.

The power seats...well, folks just couldn't move their own weight without a little help anymore. I've got some good news about the cup holders though; we're going to get rid of them. All new models are going to come with feeding tubes now. Much safer, since folks won't have worry about spilling their coffee or dropping their Big Mac in their lap.

We set up a deal with all the major gas stations so you can fill your belly while your filling your tank. We even got a special incentive from President Bush as part of his bio-fuel initiative; see that hole in the middle of each seat bottom?

LJ: Gosh, what are those for?

Mr.CC: Those are for our new biomass conversion hydrogen makers; after you fill up with our feeding tubes you can do your business while you're tooling down the road, and will actually help fuel your car. How's that for green?
Why, you won't ever want to leave your car, especially with our 1000 watt Dolby 5.1 surround sound entertainment center and projector that lets you watch only the latest movies right on your windshield.

LJ: How about the air conditioning; can you leave that off? I can just open my windows...

Mr.CC: Oh, no, you cant do that, it's bad for the fuel economy; we would never be able to meet the new CAFE standards if people drove around with their windows down. It's a liability issue too; morbidly obese people sweat a lot more when they get hot. We don't want to get a class action lawsuit against us because a handful of people got heatstroke while they were driving in our cars.

LJ: Can I change my own gears? I don't need an automatic transmission.

Mr.CC: Nobody wants manual transmission anymore; simply not enough hands free anymore. How is a young lady supposed to put her makeup on and text message and stuff her face and read a magazine all at the same time if she has to change gears too?

Son; you have to wake up, you just can't get the kind of car you're looking for.

LJ: Gee, My Grandfather had a car like that a long time ago... maybe I'll get one of those...

Mr.CC: I don't think I like that kind of talk, son; it's un-American...