This was sent to me from Diemaster. I remembered this when JanGeo said he needs to change his own oil.
Oil Change instructions for Women
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree; write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7-ELEVEN and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8.) Look for 9/16 box end wrench
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil---splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Impound fee: $75.00
Total - - $4,165.00
But you know the job was done right!
Ha! Sad part is that its almost true! I will admit though, the last time I took one of my cars someplace to have them change to oil, they didn't tighten the filter well enough and one morning when the car was cold, I blew the filter gasket and sprayed about 3 quarts of oil out on the road. THANK GOD I noticed in the rear view and quickly turned the engine off. Messy clean up, ***** to push home, and needed another oil change. The place that changed it in the first place refused to do anything. I've done it myself since... though its really gotta be cheaper to pay someone...
I change the Geo on the ground - just lay down in front of the car and reach under and loosen the plug holding it in as I turn it until it is unscrewed and then pull it away quickly - usually only get a few drops on my hand. Let it drain really good to get all the old oil out then add a little fresh until is start to come out of the drain hole and put the plug back in. Filter is a little tricker but I also fill the filter with fresh oil before I screw it on so it is pumping oil instead of air when it first starts up. I also drain the oil back into the empty oil bottles and watch for junk in the drain oil so I can see what is going on in the engine. Let the filter drain in the pan also to remove it's oil before putting back in the new empty box. Now this entire process takes about half an hour of my time when I feel like doing it or need to do it and I work on a sheet of cardbord from an old box to catch the spills. Don't have to wait in some waiting room while some greasy oil monkey sits in my clean car seat changing the oil and putting in somthing cheep and screwing the filter on with a wrench. Had a friend loose his drain plug in the tunnel into Boston and had to drive it with no oil to get it off the road. Never had to go back to those guys again to get his oil changed - engine was toast! Of course changing my own oil has a drawback since there has not been oil recycling around until recently. I have a 12+ year collection of old motor oil and filters sitting in my bedroom.
The xB will no longer have this problem once I change over to Synlube - they recycle the oil if you ever run the engine long enough to need to change it again. No more changing oil before or after a long trip or worrying about is it too windy to drain the oil outside or too cold. Not to mention the price of good oil going up for the next ten years. And I am buying a product made in the USA too! (by a Russian ha ha)
Yeah that sounds about right for an oil cooled motor! Geo takes 3 quarts and can run ok on 2 just before an oil change and 7-8k miles between changes with syntec castrol. What you should be thinking about if you plan on keeping the monster oil eaters is going to Synlube and the first hit is tough at about $35 a quart but forget about changing it for 100,000-150,000 miles so in the long run you spend less on oil. Plus you get PTFE, Graphite and Moly to reduce friction and improve MPG.
Ford trucks probably could do well with tranny and differential oil changes to a synthetic gear lube as that is where a lot of the losses occur.
As much as we like to sell our products to new customers, the 15 quart Diesel trucks (gas only takes 5 to 7) are bit problematic, first there is extremely high incidence of engine failures for all kinds of reasons (not caused by SynLube) but FORD now being nearly bankrupt is looking for any excuse not to warranty them.
The engines (some of them) drink oil as much as quart every 1,200 to 1,500 miles, ISUZU diesels in GM trucks for example go 16,000 miles or more on quart.
So people have to be aware that SynLube is not a mechanic in a bottle ant that it will not fix design problems or poor workmanship in Mexico (that is where the international engines are made).
Of course people never want to hear that the vehicle they just bought is of inherently bad design and lousy workmanship, but it is so bad that FORD now actually offers $2,500 loyalty cash back if people trade the cursed diesels (2000-2005) in for a new one!
Ford in past has bought back the really bad ones from mostly commercial customers, but they really do not care if they loose few private owners of the medium duty trucks.